Resolutions

Here we are again. A New Year with new goals and new resolutions. Though I do believe every day presents a chance to change, I love that feeling you get when the clock strikes midnight, Auld Lang Syne is playing, Dick Clark kisses his wife, and you realize that you truly have a chance to do it over again. So what are my New Year resolutions you ask? I only have one, and that is to find myself again. What does that mean? It means I want to find my joy again. I promise I’m not being melodramatic. I just remember that at one point during my short 22 years, I used to have this deep joy. The last time I remember it is during my last year of college. This was back in 2010 and I don’t feel like that anymore. Now, I am not saying I walk around with a sad face and a cloud over my head. Actually, most times you see me, I’m smiling, I’m happy. I love being around my family and my friends. But I’m craving that supernatural joy that carries along side of it confidence, a firm foundation, and an expectation for the future. Many events have happened in my life since 2010, some that have broken my heart, but many that have brought along new experiences, new friends, and a new appreciation for this fragile life. I laughed a lot in 2011 but I wept more than usual in the same year. I cannot ignore that small hole and that aching I feel when I’m truly honest with myself. My goal in 2012 is to address that ache and if it forces me to leap, then by the grace of God, I pray that I leap. I’m not encouraging impulsive behavior, but at times, I think we let fear paralyze us into doing nothing. I plan to be more transparent, with myself and with others, to discover that we really do overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, to understand that the past is the past and the best thing you can do is forgive yourself for the pain you have caused yourself and others, to be generous with my gifts, and to disgustingly love others. I will stop trying to understand God’s grace and just rest in it, realize that I only have this one life and I could either have joy or be miserable.

I don’t want to reduce this year to a goal of losing one, five, or ten pounds. Frankly, I’m tired of talking about body weight. I just want to discover that abundant life that Jesus talks about, because I know it exists. I know it exists because my soul is aching for it. I’m not interested in what type of jeans will make my legs look the best, or how many dimples are on my thighs. I’m more concerned with climbing the hard and rugged mountain of life and finding out what awaits me at the top. And I guarantee you at the top of that mountain, nobody cares what size you are, what color you are, whether you’re a book nerd or a gamer. You made it to the top, that’s what counts. So, when the tears come this year, because they will come, I hope most will come because I have been laughing too hard, or I watched something that forced me to take action, or I have loved and been loved so much that I can’t contain it. At the end of this year, I hope I can say that I leapt, I had faith, and drank from that deep well of joy that I so thirst for. And I hope you do too.