Net

I haven’t posted in a blog in a while. I can tell you that life has been really busy, and I would be telling the truth, but that is no excuse. There is no excuse to abandoning my craft because I’m wasting God’s gift. Since April, a lot in life has changed.

I’m currently living in a different town, pursuing a graduate degree, I am not working at the moment, and I’m learning to live on a tight budget. It’s different. It’s hard. And the part that scares me the most is that I have no safety net. I have nothing that I have created with my own hands to rely on.

All I have is Jesus, and the people he has surrounded me with. That sounds as if it should be enough, and it should, but if you know me, you know I’m the type of person that usually doesn’t take risks. I’ve written a few blogs about risk taking, because I’m usually speaking to myself. There are a lot of unknown factors in my life right now, and that make me nervous. I’m independent, headstrong, and usually in control of my life, or at least I think I am. That is the problem. I know God is asking for his throne in my life, which belongs to him anyway.

It makes me glad. God is teaching me right now. And quoting Beautiful Eulogy, “whom shall I fear when my anchor is secure. [I’m] learning to consider it pure joy when I face tribulations.” Whatever type of net I think I have, if the net is not secured by Christ, I have nothing. Until I can stand before him and honestly say that “Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ,” He will ever continue to ask for all of me. Amen.

I like who I've become...

I was browsing through some old word documents and I found a poem that I wrote a few months ago.  It’s not complete but when I read that first draft, I thought, “Man, this is good stuff! Why didn’t I continue?”

 I guarantee you that when I wrote it, I thought it was mediocre. That’s why I tucked it away. I didn’t believe in it. Why do I do that? I’m actually going to say, “Why do we that?” because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. After I read the poem and thought it had potential, I immediately felt shame for thinking that my own writing was good. I’m just being honest.

Well, if I don’t believe in my own craft, who will? My roommate is reading Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield right now and as I was skimming through it, I read this quote and it gripped me.

“In his heart, the amateur knows he’s hiding. He knows he was meant for better things…If the amateur had empathy for himself, he could look in the mirror and not hate what he sees. Achieving his compassion is the first powerful step toward moving from being an amateur to being a pro.”

Wow … talk about conviction. The words “uggh” and “gross” definitely crossed my lips after reading it. It’s alright to be nervous and sometimes fear will grip you, but I have found that you have to learn how to move past the fear.

Have you ever met those people who don’t know how to take a compliment? It’s as if they don’t want to believe the positive things you say about them. It’s easier to play the shy card….or as I like to call it, the insecurity card. I want Jesus to teach me everything about loving others, and somewhere in there I want Him to show me how to have empathy on myself.

My roommate and I were joking about having “dating resumes,” and how when you start talking about yourself, you always feel like you haven’t accomplished enough. As she started naming various accomplishments in my life, a light bulb switched on and I realized I like who I’ve become.

There’s definitely a lot of chiseling, refining, and smoothing to be done. I also don’t want you to conclude that I’m saying a life is about what you have accomplished, but rather I’m saying that in the accomplishments and the failures, I’m seeing who God is shaping me to become and I like it.

I’m sure the devil really hates that. It’s one thing to love yourself, but do you like yourself? Would you befriend yourself? I think the enemy knows that if we dare like ourselves, we might dare believe in ourselves, and at most, believe we are who God says we are and actually start walking in victory. 

So he continues to whisper that who you are is never enough, the compliments aren’t true, and you will always be one step behind.

Don’t listen to that voice. Look at yourself in the mirror, have mercy on what you see, and like it. Yes, God is refining me, and I like who I’ve become.

Hurts, hugs, and hellos.

Photo cred/Google

In my short 23 years, I’ve realized that I’m a person who people often approach with their problems. I don’t say this to boast or complain, but I state it as the truth. I count it a privilege. I love talking through issues with others and hopefully helping them even if it’s just a little bit. Frankly, they are so many times I fear that I’m giving the wrong advice. Sometimes I feel inadequate, or too young, or too inexperienced. These fears usually try to move in when I believe the issue presented in front of me is just too enormous. That I will not have the right words to say, at the right time, with the right attitude, and the right spirit. That I won’t allow the Holy Spirit to lead me and I’ll say something stupid.

However, it’s when I’m facing these “huge” problems that the Lord has clearly taught me the meaning of letting go. I can’t fix everything. And trust me, I want to. That’s my personality. I want to fix people, fix their problem, situations, and so on. But I am neither capable of doing that nor does God allow me. He wants me to give it to Him, because only He can fix. So in those moments, I’ve learned the importance of good hugs and a simple hello. There are times I don’t have the words to say to a friend, I can’t recall a Bible verse, and the wisdom that I have seems spent.

In these times, I have learned that sometimes people just need you to meet them where they are. They’re not looking for wise words and grand speeches. They want a hug. I’m serious. They need a small embrace that says, “Hey, I don’t have all the answers. I will never have all the answers, but I’m here.”

A simple touch that reminds people in this world of self reliance and self ambitions that we are not afraid to brush and listen to each other. That’s where the “hello” comes in. You check on people. You’re not expected say the right things, you’re just there to say “Hey, I’m concerned and I’m a listening ear.”

In life, we’ll venture through dark times, but if we learn to listen and embrace each other, we’ll survive. We will have hope and know that even though they are trials, we are not alone.

How seeking safety hinders you...

My  friend and I were talking the other day about how we always tend to play it safe. Actually, she was mainly listening and I was doing the talking. There are times that I know in my life I have wanted to take a risk, but refused because of the presumed consequences. Why do we do that? Because the flesh is geared to protect itself.

As humans, we are naturally drawn to what makes us comfortable. No one willingly wants to be uncomfortable, to hurt, or to be squeezed. The flesh will take until it is fat with self preservation and even then it will continue taking. This is why Jesus’ parables, like The Good Samaritan and The Prodigal Son, irritated so many. Helping someone else requires getting to their level, no matter how dirty or bloody that level may be. It requires you to leave a place of warmth and embrace the depravity of your neighbor. Mercy requires sacrifice.

Another problem with the safest route is that it speaks of the presence of fear. Sometimes we can be so fearful of taking a leap that we are left paralyzed. We don’t realize that all you have to do is take the first step.

A friend once told me that when she watches the Chronicles of Narnia, she knows she’s Susan.

“I hate that!” she said. “I’m always cautious. I want to be Lucy. I want to be the one who is not scared of seeking adventure.”

Life in the Spirit does not guarantee us safety. If that’s what you’re looking for in the Christian life, I’m about to burst your bubble. Don’t misunderstand me. The Lord is our protector, but He will ask you to leap in faith. Have you perused the stories in the Bible lately? A life that seeks to glorify God will be called to do just that—to glorify God even if it means death. Have you read how the disciples died? The early Christians? There’s nothing safe about being crucified upside down, boiled in oil, or have your flesh ripped by lions.

God asked Abraham to move to foreign lands, asked a stuttering Moses to speak, and Gideon to lead with 300 warriors.  I love the Message translation of 1 John 4:18

“There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life- fear of death, fear of judgment – is not yet fully formed in love.”

Fear is crippling. God asks us to nestle ourselves in his love and therefore, we are able to move by faith. He will ask us to move to the “dangerous” places—whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. But if He is with us, friends, who can be against us, and with that I leave you with the words of Mr. Beaver in the Chronicles of Narnia.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Have you deserted this desert?

I once heard Judah Smith that sometimes prayer is just "chucking stuff at God." Have you ever read the Psalms?  David was definitely chucking stuff at God. I believe that is part of the reason God calls him a man after His heart. David was not afraid of being completely honest with God, even in his sin. Why wouldn't he? God knows the depths of our hearts anyways. That honesty also portrays that David had an intimate relationship with God. So I encourage you to pray honest prayers. I offered a prayer that I wrote down a few months ago that I considered one of those truly raw prayers. I wanted to share as an example of transparency. Who else knows all of you? I needed Him, and because He is faithful, He answered. My response is in italics, His in red, and my comments in bold.

My prayer: I am dry bones soon to turn to ashes. I have nothing left. No stories of my past regrets. I just know I have nothing left. Nothing is quenching this dry land. There are no rivers and I highly doubt that if I stumble around this ground, I'll find any streams here.

My God, have you deserted this desert? Have you finally grown tired of empty promises and mumbled prayers before dinner that I toss at you as if I'm doing you a favor?

Because all I know right now is that these songs of worship aren't even cracking the ground. Father, they're not even scratching the surface. These book discussions and theological sessions are nothing but a drop of water that evaporates before it hits the ground of my heart. Nothing is sinking. There is no water to sink in. What do you want from me?!

His response: a contrite heart. 

My response: Contrite, what does that even mean? {so I search for the definition}
Definition: feeling or showing sorrow and remorse for a sin or shortcoming.

But I do that God? Don't you hear the prayers that I offer every night asking you to forgive me for sometimes I don't know what I'm doing? 

I have perfectly deluded myself into thinking that I am perfect. So contrite? I do feel that I am contrite. 

His response: No, a contrite heart requires brokenness. You cannot "feel or show sorrow" if you're not broken. You cannot be "remorseful for shortcomings" without being broken.